I never did like the taste of foot in my mouth

So I have this cousin named Joanna. She is about 10 years younger than me, but we have always been best friends. When I was going through my divorce, she would spend the weekends at my apartment while I went out and just kept me company.

She met this guy online named Seamus. He is from Ireland and a really really nice guy. Everyone thought that Joanna was crazy to be seeing someone from so far away, but they hadnt actually met yet. Until one day, he came all the way out here. He stayed for 3 weeks. He went home and then came back4 months later. But it was a surprise. Joanna didnt know that he was coming back but he came so that she should could go to her high school prom since she said that she wouldnt go unless it was with him. He stayed long enough to watch her graduate from high school and then a week after graduation, they got married. He has been here ever since.

Well since Seamus is from Ireland, he got permission to come out here but he stayed too long and his visa expired. So of course, he hasnt been able to get any work. And of course, being from Ireland, Seamus is a drinker. In the last 5 years, I havent seen anyone drink as much as he does. But when it comes to work, I never saw him turn down a "cash" paying job. He really is a good guy.

Well yesterday, my cousin Joanna calls me crying. "Claudia, I left him, I just cant take it anymore." she said that Seamus is still drinking and that they have not lived together in the last 4 months. "Holy fuck, I'm so sorry Joanna" Then she preceeds to tell me how her family is not backing her up and calling her an adulture. Now why would they say such a thing? she said that she has a friend, but thats all it is, just friends. Well, I have no reason not to believe her.

Now you have to understand that her family is the family that I have written about in other posts that they are talking shit about me. The crazy christian family that say that I worship the devil. So then Joanna calls me back today crying her eyes out. Saying how hard this decision was and again her family is giving her a hard time, but this time tells me that she is seeing this guy and has cheated on Seamus but only because he has not been with her in 4 months. How long was she supposed to wait? Again continues to tell me that her family is turning there back on her, especially her sister Podi, and that she is not allowed to be in the house alone, and the she is a disgrace to the family, and natually I believe her.

So after I get off the phone with her, I so fucking pissed. How can these "good christians" turn away from their own blood. Even is she did cheat on her husband, she is still family. That is between Joanna and Seamus. My problelm with her sister is that she is always acting holier than thou and she is the first to point her finger and judge. When she herself started going out with her boyfriend when she was 21, he was 16...hmmm???

So I send Podi a text that says that I hope that she is never in her sisters shoes and I hope that she doesn't have a sister that turns her back on her like you did to Joanna. Well of course she tells me off and then I come back with more hateful words.

Her brother then calls me to tell me that I dont know the whole story. So then he starts to tell me that they have tried to talk to Joanna and she turn her back on them. That of course they don't like it that she is going out with this other guy, but that they don't think that she is in her right mind to be with someone else. That she needs to be with family and she needs to go to church. I'm listening to him, I even tried to argue her side, but what he said made sense.

I asked him why they wouldnt let her be in the house alone, he said that she was stealing things. It just didn't sound like the Joanna I knew, but at that point I knew, that I shouldn't have gone off on Podi like that. I tried to send her an apology but I really didn't mean it. It was mostly because I meant what I said, but I should have kept it to myself.

So I'm thinkin and thinkin, and I just cant let it go. So I send Joanna a text. "cuz you need to tell me the truth....are you still drinking and smoking weed?" and few minutes later "yes" "Ok, so answer another question and remember I love you and I'm here for you, but are you telling me the truth about your family? are they really turning their back on you like you say they are?" Nothing. I send it again. then I get, "well not exactly, They are trying to get me to go to church with them." "so then you were not telling me the whole truth?" "well I tried but you never gave me the chance" "bullshit Joanna, you were never gonna tell me the truth, and I just told off your sister for something that she didn't do"

I told her that it was bullshit what she did, and that as long as she is drinking and smoking, she was not allowed to come to my house either. I told her that if she is drinking and blazing, how is she any different that him. I haven't heard from her since.

I cant believe that she fooled me. I cant believe that I believed her. I text Podi and apologized for reals and this time, I was in tears. I told her how I was sorry that I said hateful things, to please forgive me. She did, but I still feel like shit.

When Joe was driving home from the prison today, I told him what happened and how stupid I felt. He said that this will pass and to give it a few days and maybe invite her to lunch or coffee. I will but until I get that hug from her, I wont know for sure that she really did forgive me.

At this point, I hope that Seamus is smart enough to just go back home. He hasn't seen his family in 5 years and I know his mom is missing him. She has suffered two minor strokes since he's been gone,but there is nothing for him here. He has no papers, so he cant work and no family so where is he going to stay. It really sucks cuz Seamus is family. But I think that the best thing for everyone is for Seamus to go home. but the running joke in our family is that we are a huge Mexican family and the one illegal is the white guy....LMAO

The Birds, the Bees, and the Papa Goddess

So with all the Prop 8 stuff going on right now, (I know its like beating a dead horse) one of the main topics is, that people are afraid that they will be teaching our kids about it in school.

I keep telling the people that use that argument that it's not true and against the law. They cant even teach my kids about puberty without my permission, so why would they say that they will be teaching kids about gay marriages...its so fucking stupid.

So yesterday, I get home from school and on Joe's desk, there is a yellow note from the school with my son's name on it. I pick it up and it is says that they will be starting sex education for 5th and 6th graders soon and they need my permission for my son to participate in this class. I personally don't have a problem with the school teaching my kids about this stuff. Most of what they will be learning is something that they have already heard from me. This class just gets a little bit more technical. And of course it says nothing on the paper of talks of marriage, gay or otherwise.

Well for those of you that don't know my son, he is 11yrs old and a great kid. But he was born with a delay. About 2 years. I had to put him in speech therapy and he is in the special ed class at his school. He is caught up with his math and science skills, but he is way behind in his reading. I just had a conference with his teacher on Monday and he said that his reading is the only thing holding him back, but that he is getting better. But, because of my son's delay, there are a lot of "talks" that I haven't had with him. Mostly because I wasn't sure if he would understand but the majority is because he is my baby and I am not ready for him to grow up.

So what do I do? Not sign the paper and keep him innocent or sign the paper and he grows up? I dont like it either way. So I call him into my room and I asked him if he knew what that paper was for and he said yes. But I never had that talk with him about sex, so I didnt know what he knew. So I ask him, "baby, do you know what sex is?" and he says "yes" so then I ask, "ok what is it?" and he says "its when 2 people are naked in bed together." "yes but do you know what they are doing" and he says "no"......AH FUCK I GOTTA HAVE THE SEX TALK!!!!

So now my dilemma is, with or without pics....lol. (of the female body parts) But my wonderful husband Joe, had a brilliant idea. He pulled out the blade and the chalice and he explained to him that the blade represented a man and a chalice for a woman (in case you didn't know) and then explained what goes on during that time. we explained the sperm and the egg and how sex makes babies and all that fun stuff. And what does my son do....he starts laughing. it was great. So now when he takes this class, he's not going to be the only one in class who doesn't know what sex is. But now he gets all the Family Guy jokes.

Once he left the room, I looked over at Joe and said "These talks are getting easier, but this one was hard." cuz like I said before, he is my baby and I hate seeing him so big. He still likes to cuddle with me when we're watching tv, and he always gives me kisses and he isnt afraid to do it in front of his friends.

I know that I did the right thing and I dont regret giving Tavo the "talk" and I am so greatful to Joe for having such an amazing way to explain something that can be so hard to understand for young kids. Damn fuckin kids need to stop growing up so damn fuckin fast.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

So this Prop 8 thing has been a big topic lately and I for one have been one of them people that wont shut up about it. I believe in equality and civil rights. I mean this is America right?

Well, I have mentioned in my other posts how I am different then my other family members. Trying to figure out who I am and why I am so different. And this last election has really helped me to see my families true colors.

After they announced that prop 8 didnt win, I was pissed. I mean pissed, I was in tears. And I am not even gay, but I am an American I am believe in equality. My daughter and I even participated in a NO on 8 rally in our city. We were even on the news. So I post on my Myspace that I was so upset that they passed prop 2 that stopped the abuse of chickens, but they didnt pass the prop that allowed gay marriage. That I couldnt believe that people cared more about animals than they did people. That it shows were peoples fuckin priorities were and that to all the people that voted Yes including my family, THAT THEY COULD KISS MY ASS.

So it wasnt too long before I got a message from my brother saying that he voted yes, but that that message is for everyone else and not for him, right? Nope, I told him how disappointed I was that he and my mom voted yes. That he lives in a time and a place where there still shouldnt be any of this bullshit. I mean fuck, we just elected a Black President, we cant get any better than that. But nope, he threw the Bible at me.....but he missed...lol. So he tired to say that its our right as a domocracy to vote our options (which is true) but as Christians they use the Bible to guide their decisions. Which I dont have a problem with but, not if it is going to effect the rights of other people. If the bible teaches you not to lie, cheat, and steal....then dont do it. But if the Bible tells you that what those "people" are doing is a sin, it is not up to you to decide how they should live their life just because you dont like it. As the conversation got alittle deeper, he admitted that he didnt go to church anymore because of the passing of judgment that Christians tend to do. At that point is when I told him that I study Earth Based Religions. Now I know that that doesnt seem like much, but for me it is. (Joe about fell out his seat when I told him) But as soon as I told my bother that we were more alike than I tought, he totally switched back to "Jesus is the son of God and the Bible is the word" I told him what he was feeling was called Christian guilt. We are still good, there is still no hard feelings between my brother and I, but my other family members....well that is a different story.

In that same bulletin, another cousin of mine sends me a personal message that says, "well Jesus rules today, now, and forever" and I replied with "Well that is a matter of opinion" Oh baby thems is fightin words.

Well I didn't actually here back from her, but yesterday I got a text message from my aunt who goes to church with that same cousin. And this church that they attend, believes that Vampires and werewolves exist and they don't let their kids watch the Disney Channel because of the wizard show on there. yeah, they preach the "word of god" all the time, its great. Ok so I get this text from my aunt and its a joke about Obama...."CNN just reported that Obama refuses to sleep at night. And when they asked Obama why, he replied Because the last guy who had a dream got shot!" So I'm sitting there reading this, thinking, that was an awfully bad joke, tasteless. But I didn't care that it was a bad racial joke, I mean who hasn't ever told a bad racial joke at some point in there life, but my problem was, they are always preaching christian values. "Live like Jesus. Don't do that, its a sin. Don't vote for Obama, he supports Gay marriage and abortion." So how is it that they can preach all this shit, then turn around and say a racial joke? So I reply with "Good 'ol christian values showing its face again." Then she replies with "Myra sent it to me and you can never have too many good black jokes." So that is when things got personal. For those of you that don't know me, my daughter is half black. So I took that as a stab at my kid. So now its on. I start looking for this post on myspace that I read on Christianity, so I sent it to her. But I replied with "oh well since you like bad jokes, here is one for you.....Christianity....A belief that a cosmic jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symboliclly eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree....yeah that makes perfect sense." Then I also said, "isnt that the funniest thing you ever read....lmao?" She was quiet for about 5 mins and then replied, "Ok I never thought of it like that before" Yeah, I haven't heard from her since.

I have posted a couple of different bulletins on myspace about equality and civil rights. My brother has even told me to shut up. But I told him to suck on my ass (that's our thing, we say it to eachother all the time) that I was never gonna shut up. I told to just face it, you have a hippie future lawyer sister that is going to continue to fight for equality. Even if you wanna marry that goat, I will make sure that there are plenty of shoes for her to chew on at your wedding, that is how much I love you. (inside joke)

Tick Tick Tick goes the Pilot light.....

So last night was my very first blog, and I dont think that it was too bad. But I did mention how I havent come out of the "broom closet" with my family yet. Well I havent come out to a lot of society either.

So today is Samhain. I think my most favorite of all the Sabbats. Also because I am Mexican and I celebrate "Dia de los Muertos" 9 years ago, I lost my grandmother. We called her Mama Juana. We were very close, and for being one of 55 grandchildren, being close to her was very hard. She was an amazing woman. And funny as hell. When she died, she took a big chunk of the family with her. As close as we were when she was still with us, I found that I am closer with her now that she is gone. I was told growing up, that when someone you love, comes to you in a dream, that was their way of communicating with you. Well for years, she didnt visit me, and I was upset. But I use to hear my family talk about their visits from her, and it was always during a time that they had some kind of problem going on. With my family, there is never a dull moment. Well that's when I realized that maybe, she knew that I was ok and I didnt need her right now. Ok I can live with that.

Then I started studing Wicca and I had that christian guilt haunting me. One night.....BAM!!!! There was grandma. She told me that what I "was not a sin" That I was actually doing what God wanted me to do. Use his gifts as he intended. When I was younger, my mom had a god daughter that became very sick. She stopped eating and started to become very pale. Dr's couldnt figure out what was wrong and my mom was really scared. Mama Juana told my mom to bring Jaime to her and my G'ma took Jaime to a Corandero. A healer. This lady took herbs and massaged Jaime with them and prayed over her. By that afternoon, Jaime was eating again and began to get her color back. Now to this day, I dont know why Jaime was sick, but I do know that that lady healed her. Mama Juana reminded me of the things that she had done, and it was no different of what I was trying to learn.

Last year, our kids asked if the could stay home on Samhain because it was a holiday. Well sure, but do you even know why we are celebrating it? Since they couldnt answer, my wonderful husband had the two older girls research and write a report about it, then they had to teach it to the two younger boys. We then went to Mama Juana's grave and decorated it. bought a pumkin and carved it. We had a great day. But the kids had to miss school to do it, so what do we tell the school? I was worried about a fight or being look down on, so I just told the school that my kids were sick.

But today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was at his dads last night and we didnt want to tell him that his son was staying home from school to celebrate a Pagan holiday. So I get there just before the bell rings and I find him. I go to the office to let them know that my two kids will stay home from school and when the lady asked why, I just blurted out, "Its a holiday for my family and we are going to stay home to celebrate." I stood there in shock, I cant believe I just said that.....UHHHH???? The lady doesnt say anything, just smiles and says "whats your sons name so I can tell his teacher?" It took me a second to remember..."Uh...Gustavo!!" Holy shit, I just outed my family to the school. What will they think? At this point, I really dont care, but I think that this is the first step towards finally jumping out of this frying pan.

What a great day this is going to be. Blessed Be all.

Out of the Frying Pan...

So what happened to me? How did I end up so different?

I started asking myself these questions last night after I saw myself on the news, for participating at a "No on 8" Rally in my city.

So before you can understand my issue, let me tell you about my family. I come from a Mexican family that immigrated from Mexico before I was born. My grandparents wanted a better life for their future. My grandparents, from both sides of my family, were very Catholic. As most Mexicans are. So of course, that was how I was raised. I remember having to go to catacism every Wednesday and OMG, how I hated it. I hated how if I didnt live like Jesus, I was going to HELL. I use to go home and cry, I was so scared. What an ugly feeling is was to have, at such a young age. But did it make a difference....NOPE!!! I still was a pain in the ass.

After I had my first kid, I was a little older and a lot more mature. I took my faith alittle more seriously. So I started attending Mass on my own. OMG....it was so boring, but I kept going anyways. I did always feel better afterwards. Until one day after my son was born, I attended Ash Wedensday and during Mass, my son starts crying for my daughter who had gone to the restroom. I will admit he was loud, but not so loud that the little old lady that I was sitting next to me was bothered. But for some reason, the Priest didn't like it. So he stops his sermon and asks me to please leave. I was so shocked, that I just sat there not knowing what to do. I start to grab all my stuff and as I'm getting up, the little old lady grabs my hand and says to me "its ok sweetie, he wasn't bothering me" I pick up my son and I walk to the back of the church. I thought to myself, maybe I can just stand in the back, but no, the Priest wouldn't continue until I was out of the building. I was so embarrassed. How could this man of the cloth, kick out God's children? That right there is a big reason why people leave the church. Well needless to say, I still haven't been back to that church. Its been 8 years.

After my divorce to my first husband, I was going through some bad times. So my Aunt tells me that she wants me to attend church with her. It was the First Assembly of God. I really liked it. Good music, no boring repetitive mass's, and a Pastor that was hella funny. It really helped me get through some tough times. Once things got better for me, I really started paying attention to the sermons. As the Pastor talked about the stories of the Bible, I used to sit there and think "who made this shit up?" and then I would say to myself, "I'm sorry I'm sorry for doubting you God" its called Christian guilt. But I couldn't help it, I had been that way my whole life. When I first found out that my uncle was gay, I was shocked. But I never believe for one second that he was going to hell, like my family would say. I use to think of how awful it was for his own family to claim that they loved him, and say behind his back that he's a sinner. How could he be? Why would God allow him to be born gay and then tell him that he is sinning and if he doesn't stop, he will burn in hell? It never made sense to me, it still doesn't.

Then I meet my husband Joe. He would come to church with me. Then we would go to Three Rivers and throw Tobacco in the wind, or water; it was great. I loved what he was doing. It felt like it was what I had been missing in my life. I didn't want to be normal I want to be natural. So I started asking questions. Listening to Joe's point of view of religion, and I LIKED IT!!! Then one day I asked, "Do you believe in the Devil?" Joe says "No, he doesn't exist." "SIGH!!!" I never felt so relieved in my life. I started to study Wicca and I really loved it. But that damn Christian guilt. Then one day, my brother and I had this very interesting conversation about the movie "The Golden Compass" "Don't see that movie," he says, "it was written by an Atheist" Well it didn't bother me that it was, but he couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't agreeing with him. When I got home, he left a message for me on myspace. "Since when did you become a hippie?" LMAO.....I always have been.

When it became legal for Same-sex couples to marry, I was happy. My mom was surprised. "Your a Christian, and you know what the bible says." "yes mom I do, but I also know what it is like to be an American and have civil rights. I also know that the Government is not supposed to instill their beliefs on me." She then says, "I'm not trying to judge them." "but mom, if you vote Yes on 8, that is exactly what you are doing." First time ever that I made my mom speechless.

So last night after seeing myself on the news. I mistakenly asked my brother what he thought of gay marriage. Of course, he says that he is against it. I knew that answer before hand, but I still chose to ask anyways. But it didn't stop my heart from breaking. How did we end up so different? Why do I have family talking shit behind my back about my practicing "witchcraft"? (Well they think I do, but don't know for sure)So much shit that they weren't even going to attend my daughter's Quiencenera, because it was to be in the Masonic Temple here in town. I just don't get it. My own grandmother believed in herbal magic. Whether she believed that that is what she was doing, she still did anyway.

I havent yet come out of the "broom closet" with my family, but I am getting pretty close to it. If my mom and brother feel this strongly about gay people, what are they going to say when the find out that my daughter is bi-sexual? And then find out that she is a Pagan too? It is going to be very interesting.