Puzzle Pieces

I remember the horrible feeling that came over me when the counselor told me that i was 10 units short and that I was not going to graduate from high school. I had already sent out the invitations and now I had to call everyone and tell them never mind. Not only that, I had just found out that I pregnant, but that secret didn't come out until much later.

I had to work at a day center for 6 weeks to earn the units, so eventually I did receive my diploma but I didn't get to wear the cap and gown or walk with the rest of my class. Before the year had even started, I was too busy fucking around that I never got to take my senior pictures, so my pic wasnt even in the year book. For the last 17 years I felt like I had been working on a gigantic puzzle and I had an important piece missing and it was no where to be found.

5 years ago, I met my wonderful husband and we started running our care home. I was always talking about returning to school and becoming a paralegal. Law has always been a passion for me, but when I wanted to return to school when I was married to my first husband, he didn't want me to become a paralegal, he said that school would take me too long. He convinced me to get my child development certificate because it would only take me two semesters as apposed to two years. I would find work faster. I personally think that he didn't want me to succeed, but oh well im not with him anymore.

So one day Joe and I were talking and he told me that now is the time for one of us to return to school and that if I wasn't going to, he was. The next morning, I let him sleep in and while he was out, I snuck off and registered at the local city college, COS.

My first intention was just go in and in 3 short semesters,I would get my paralegal certificate, but after talking to my counselor I found out that I only needed about 4 classes to finish my AS degree, so I thought, what the hell I might as well stay and finish the whole thing.

It wasn't too bad at first so I decided to go full time...yeah right, I did that for two semesters and became overwhelmed. I felt like dropping out, but I didn't, I rested over the summer and went back part time. Everything was going great until I had to take a class with Dr.Faller again. I never had a problem with her, I thought she was amazing woman and she liked me. I got A's in my first two classes with her and everyone said that I must be bad a ass because it is hard to get an A in her class. Some people thought she was a bitch, I just thought she was a hard ass. But one day in class, we were assigned an assignment to find a application at the court house. My friend Olga couldnt find the website and it was the night before it was due. So sent her my copy of the application. I had erased all of my information but I forgot that there was a second page. So when Olga turned in the assignment for herself, she didnt change any of the info on the second page and submitted it with my info on it. I submitted my assignment early because I wasn't going to be in class, a few days later, I received an email from Faller asking me to come to her office. When I got there, I saw the side of Faller that everyone had been talking about. She said that I cheated and let Olga copy from my assignment and that I was lucky that she wasn't going to turn me in for cheating and have me kicked out of the program. I didn't know what to say, all I could say was that I was only doing what she said for to do and help our fellow paralegals because finding information online can be very hard and we need to stick together. She said that I needed to stop making excuses and take responsibility for my mistake, because at a law office, I would have been fired to sharing personal information. Now come on, Im not stupid, I would never share personal information from a law office, but she wouldnt let it go until I said that I was sorry and promised that I would never do it again. I felt like I was five years old again.

Faller said before I left her office that once I walked out that door, as long as I didnt cheat again, that I never had to worry about hearing about it again. That everyone is entitled to make mistakes and the slate is cleared from this point on. I still walked into the class room each week with my tail between my legs, because I made Faller mad. But what Faller said was bullshit, every time I was given an assignment or had to turn one in, she would say to me, did you do this on your own or make sure you do this on your own. What happened to once I walk out that door, all was forgotten? By the end of the semester, I was ready to quit. I told Joe that I didnt want to finish school anymore. That I just wanted to run the facility. But Joe didn't let me quit and deep down, I really didn't want to quit either.

As part of my paralegal requirements I had to do 120 hours of internship. After what happened with Faller, I did not want to do those hours. I really didn't want to be yelled at by anymore attorneys. So I wanted to quit the program and just get my AS degree but I only needed 2 more classes, so Joe kicked my ass to keep going and I did. I ended up doing all 120 hours at the Family Law Facilitators helping people fill out there child custody, visitations, and even divorce papers. I had a blast, I made great friends and I knew that I was in the right place, doing what I was born to do.

So now here I am in my final semester. I had to take my English class again because I didn't do so well the first time. So when it came time to mail out my graduation announcements, I was so scared that I was going to have a repeat of last time, having to call and say nevermind, im not graduating. I even sent my English teacher an email asking him if I safe and was going to pass the class this second time around, he reply's with "Well, the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. I would say behave as if this is not true and the odds of it being true improve." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? WHY COULDN'T HE JUST GIVE ME A YES OR NO ANSWER...LOL. Later on, I explained to him why I was so scared and he apologized for his crazy answer.

So now Im standing here in my cap and gown, waiting for the gates to open so that I can finally walk with my class and hear them call out my name. I was worried that I was going to cry and mess up my make up but I didn't. Instead I raised my hands with my devils horns and screamed as I walked to my seat. Then I screamed as I walked to the guy who's hand I was supposed to shake, and then screamed again as I walked back to my seat. The entire time I was sitting through the speeches and the other students having there time, I was texting my family who were sitting in the stands. My daughter telling me how proud she was of me and especially my husband telling me that he too was proud of me, but I also told him that I couldn't have done it without him.

It feels really good now that I'm finished. I can't believe that I am a college graduate, it seems so unreal. I don't think it has really hit me yet, it probably won't until its time to start the next semester and I won't be going back. But that is ok, I had my turn, its now time for my wonderful husband to have his time. Joe has been absolutely amazing through these last three years, taking on most of the responsibility of the facility while I did homework, but now it is my turn to take over the house while Joe works on his homework.

Its now my turn to work on the books and clean the house. And wouldn't you know, just as I move the sofa so I can vacuum, I look down there it is...that dam PUZZLE piece. Its always in the last place you look.

Don't call my mama a bitch

Do you remember when we were young and some kid called your mama a bitch and our response was "Don't call my mama a bitch, only I can call her a bitch." I remember those days, I may not have liked my mom at the time (long story) but there was no way in hell, I was gonna let you call her a bitch. Hells no...lol.

Well the other day, me, my daughter and my son were at the salon getting our hair done. Yes my son too, he has long curly hair and he gets a relaxer so that it will straighten out...Anyways, my hair dresser Kelly starts to tell us this story about her youngest son, Jabari, getting into trouble at school because he called another little boy a Faggot. At first, I thought that she was going to say something about how she could not believe her son would ever say something like that, but as it turns out, she was upset because her son's white teacher gave him detention. I just sat there in amazement as she went on to say that the little boy who Jabari called the name to, has been going around trying to kiss the little boys in his class and the one time he tried to kiss Kelly's son, he called the boy that name.

Ok I understand that here is Kelly's son freaking out that this little boy is trying to kiss him and yes by calling him that name was a reaction to his being uncomfortable but what I don't understand is why Kelly was mad at the teacher. One of Kelly's clients who happened to be there the night that I was there, is also a teacher at the same school. She proceeds to tell Kelly that the teacher who punished Jabari is gay.

My first question is, what does him being gay have anything to do with it? Well yeah, to be gay and then to hear Jabari use that word, must have been a shock, but most schools now a days have a no tolerance rule and they are cracking down on everyone. But what is the most upsetting to me is what Kelly said next....She said, "Well now I understand why he gave Jabari detention... he's a faggot too. Not that I have anything against gays, but why should he be mad if Jabari is only calling him what he is?"

I had to stop myself from going off. You see, Kelly is Black and my first instinct was to say was "oh so if its ok for Jabari to call the boy a faggot because that is what he is, then you won't be mad if that same boy called Jabari a nigger because that is what he is?" I didn't say that, I really really wanted to, but it probably wouldn't have gone over very well and Tavo and I still had the relaxer in our hair.

I honestly believe that if the other little boy had called Jabari that ugly word and all he got was a detention, Kelly would have been all over that school, pissed cuz that was all that he received as punishment. I think that it is bullshit that she honestly believes that it is ok for her son to say such things, but everyone else would be in the wrong. What is this world coming to?

I remember when I was in junior high and during P.E., this one black girl just kept fucking with me. To this day, I don't even know why she was but no matter what I said to her, she wouldn't stop. So I finally yell out "leave me alone you fuckin nigger!" and it worked, she stopped messing with me. Once we went inside to change, she told all her friends, which were also my friends. They all came up to me and asked if I said that. I said yes and told them how I didn't mean it towards everyone, only to her because she wouldn't leave me alone and they believed me, but for that quick second that I thought that they were going to kick the shit out of me, I swore never to say ugly things like that.

I try to teach my kids to love and respect everyone. I know that it is hard to do that sometimes, but if we expect the world to be accepting of others, we need to start at home. I have to say that I am very disappointed in Kelly and I'm having a hard time trying to decide whether or not to go back to her salon. I feel that if I continue to go to her for services, I am accepting her behavior. But is really hard to find someone who does a good a job as she does. what to do...what to do??

Jefe....My sweet little guy

I remember that it was my mom's birthday and the kids and I went to her house for pizza and a movie. I noticed that my uncles dog, who my mom often watched when they were out of town, was looking a little on the chunky side. I asked my mom if she was pregnant and my mom said yes. I sat up with joy, Taco is pregnant. But not only is she pregnant, she is by moms wienie dog and Taco is a chihuahua. That means she about to have a couple of chaweiners.

For those of you that don't know, we already have one. his name is Chancho and he is one of the best dogs I have ever owned. So when my mom said Taco was pregnant, I called dibs on one of her puppies. I waited, one month goes by and I get the call that Taco had her puppies. 2 boys and 1 girl. I wanted a boy. I continue to wait. Another month goes by and my mom said that the puppies are just about ready to come home. So on June 12th, I call my aunt and ask her if the puppies were ripe enough to bring one home, she said yes.....I'll be right there.

I get to her house and I see the puppies, and they were all so dam cute. I wanted all of them but I knew that if I did bring them all home, Joe wouldn't have been to happy. So which one do I choose? And there he is, trying to hide in corner of the box that they had him. The cutest little guy I have ever seen, not to mention he's the smallest of them all. As I pick him up and start to walk away from the box, Taco is following me. when I stop to talk to my aunt, Taco is trying to jump up and find out where the fuck I was going with her baby. I looked down at her and petted her pretty little face and told her thank you for giving me this sweet little baby and that I promised that I would take good care of him. We named him Jefe.

A couple of days later, my mom calls to tell me that she has the other male puppy and that her neighbor was supposed to take him but he isn't home. She want to know if I could keep him at my house for a day or two until the neighbor is ready for him. Ok mom, but just for the day. Jefe and this other puppy were so happy to see each other. They started playing together and Jefe seemed to be happier. The next day, my mom calls again. The neighbor flaked on her and so did this other lady that said that she was interested. So what do we do, Joe is saying that we cant keep this puppy, but the kids are already becoming attached and Jefe was going to be so heart broken if we made his brother leave. "please Joe, can I please live here? I promise to be good and not poop all over the house? look how cute my face is?" Ok, he can stay and after several discussions on what to name him, we finally ended up with Benny....after George Lopez's mom the show. "You know what...I need a smoke and a beer!"


It has been a fun two months so far. watching the puppies play with each other, along with the big dogs. Chewing on everything they can get the teeth on including my socks, shoes and even a bra. We would be sitting in the tv room and the next thing I know, I see a tiny puppy dragging my shoe, twice his size to his bed to chew on. That shit was funny.

On Thursday this past week, Joe and I went grocery shopping. Joe grabbed a couple of chew toys for the dogs. Its funny, we will give all the dogs a toy and for some reason, they all fight over one....lol. Friday night, Joe noticed that Jefe was acting kinda funny, like he had no energy. Saturday morning, I had to wake up at 4:30 am to take one of our clients to work. I opened the sliding door for the dogs to go out to pee and Jefe just got up and started throwing up. He came back in and laid down on his bed. I took Steven to work and came home. Jefe was still in his bed but didn't look too good. I went online and just googled "my puppy is throwing up" and all this stuff about rawhide came up. I remember the chew toys we bought for the dogs and looked at the package. It said made from meat and rawhide....oh shit. It was the only thing different in their diet that they have had.

Every thing about rawhide online was 99% negative. It said that if a puppy eats too much, it can expand in the system and cause a blockage. FUCK!!!! So that entire day, I gave Jefe gatoraide. He was still throwing up. By the afternoon, he was walking around and even went outside to pee and would even walk over and drink water from their bowl. I thought, that is a good sign. By late in the evening, he was trying to poop. It was really runny and stinky but that means that things are moving around in there right? So its time to go to bed, my head is pounding and I cant sleep. All I wanted to do is hold him. Just hold my baby in my arms and tell him that everything is going to be ok. But I didn't, I just wrapped him in a towl and laid him in his bed in my room. I could see his big brown eyes looking at me as if to say "mommy it hurts" I know it does baby, just rest you'll feel better in the morning.

That was the first night that Benny slept in our bed in a long time. I didn't want him jumping all over Jefe, he didn't realize that Jefe was sick. About 4am, Benny woke up. I needed to take him out. When I looked over at the puppy bed, Jefe wasn't there. I assumed that he was under my bed, since it was one of his favorite places to be. I didn't bother him. But when I got back inside, I could hear a tiny moan. I got Joe's flash light and looked under my bed. There was Jefe, laying on his stomach but with face turned away from me. But every time he would take a breath, he would let out a tiny moan. I touch his paw....nothing. I touch his back...nothing. So I say his name and shake him....nothing. No tears yet....Joe? Joe wake up...Jefe is under the bed and he's not moving and I think he is about dead, can you check him? Joe does and pulls him out from under the bed. He tells me not to look. So I close my eyes. I don't know why he told me to, and even at this moment, I still don't know why. I asked him....was I right? Yes. Joe wrapped him up in the towel and took him outside.

The door closed and I layed down. I started thinking, Jefe was still breathing....so did Joe help him to pass or did he pass on his own? And also to this moment, I still dont know. All day, I wanted to ask, but how do you ask a question like that, but more importantly, do I really want to know? Joe, I know that you are reading this and you know what is best for me. Joe came back in and told me that the ground outside is too dry to dig a hole so he is taking him to the empty lot up the street. It was still dark outside and the kids were still asleep.

When Joe came home, I put my face in his shoulders and finally started to cry. It was at that moment that I realized, I mean really realized that my puppy was gone. My baby was gone. I made a conscience choice years ago to stop having kids and had had my tubes tied. I don't regret my decision but I still wanted in some way to have my babies. And when I no longer could see those big brown eyes, I then had a glimpse of what it felt like to lose a child. Now I know that losing my puppy can no way compare to loosing a child, but it doesn't make the hurt inside me hurt any less. I just laid in bed crying. I think I fell asleep from exhaustion but who knows. All I know is that when I woke up, tears were still falling. I closed them again so they would stop but it didn't help. I had my hand on my face still in shock and that was when it happened, Benny. Benny started licking my face. I opened my eyes and started to laugh, that little fucker....he reminded me that I still have my other babies.

It fuckin sucked having to tell the kids. And seeing them cry didn't make it easy for me. and anyone that truly knows me, knows that you cant cry around me and me not cry with them. But my kids are resilient, I took it harder than they did.

I am still not completely over it, I have been crying all day. My head is still pounding and my heart still hurts. But I know that it will get better soon. Death and rebirth....where ever Jefe is buried...I hope that some kind of life starts to grow there so that everyone is reminded that life goes on and how much joy that little guy gave in his short little life. I'll miss you Jefe. Veritas Pro Re Natura.

These pretzels are making me thirsty

You know, I still dont like the taste of shoes, but at least I know that I wasn't exactly wrong when I told my cousin off. As you read in my post "I never did like the taste of shoe in my mouth" I went off on my cousin for the way she was treating her sister. I went off on her and it turns out that the cousin I was defending was lying to me about everything that was going on. I felt so bad, that I cried, I love my family and I would never do anything to hurt them. But having said that, I'm finding out now, that maybe the things I said to her, I wasn't so far off.

Last week I took my Tia (aunt in Spanish) to have her divorce papers filled out and after we were done, she tells me that she needs to ask me something....I knew exactly what it was. She goes on to tell me that her youngest brother, who we all call Huero (which means white boy in Spanish) had been telling her that he had been to my house and he saw a "Wicca" book on my table and that I worship the devil and practice black magic. Hmm....what to do? What to say? I was pissed, but not for him saying that I practice black magic, but the fact that he is saying he has been in my house. There is no way in hell I would let that piece of shit in my house. Now I know that you are thinking, how can I call my uncle a piece of shit? Well he steals from my grandfather and he gave up his rights to his daughter so that he doesn't have to pay child support and he calls himself a man of God and wants to become a Pastor. He's a piece of shit.

So my Tia starts to ask if it's true about the "black magic?" I tell her, yes and no. That I practice magic but there is nothing black about it. Although, now I'm thinking about what I want to do to Huero. I was very careful on what I said to my Tia, I don't want to freak her out. And she didn't. But I had to tell her that he has never been in my house and that he is lying and if I found out that he was actually in my house when I wasn't home, I will call the cops on his sorry ass. She just looked at me and said nothing. But before I took her home, she was upset that he was lying about me.

So Ive been thinking, where could he have gotten the idea. Because I don't talk about my faith with my family. Obviously, they're a bunch of psycho ass christians....YES the scary kind. I believe that everyone needs some kind of faith in there life and those that don't have it have issues, but this part of the family don't need God, they need fuckin medication. Well the only thing that I can think of is about two semesters ago, I took an English class and half the time that I was there, I was hella bord, so I used to sit and doddle the HIM symbol (heartagram) all over my book and the next semester I learn that another Tia (the mom of the one I told off) is taking that same class and wanted to use my book. So I gave it took her. When I got the book back, all of my heartagrams were made into crosses.....lol.

So yesterday was Easter and I took my kids to my grandpa's house. I didn't want to go because I cant stand my family right now. Either they are talking shit about me or they are hating on Joe. Joe hasn't been to a family function in almost two years. Last time he was there, everyone except for my mom, my Tia, my brother and a few cousins, everyone ignored him and treated him like shit. Joe said that he wasn't going back and I don't blame him. I wish that I didn't have to go either. But my grandfather is 79 yrs old and I want to spend as much time with him as I can.

I wasn't looking forward to the drama and I was worried that if Huero and all the other fucked up in the head christians were there, that I might go off. I get there and so far....nothing. The family that was there were actually happy to see me...well almost all of them. So for those of you that don't know me personally, you know that I am always in black, and when I'm not its usually....fuck that you know that I'm never in anything else...lol. So I'm making the rounds giving kisses to all the Tia's and then I get to Tio Joe, biggest asshole of them all (this is a whole other blog) but I go to give him a kiss and before I do he says, "why are you always dressed like your depressed?" and I put my hand to my head and say "cuz my life is so depressing, OH!!" and just walked away as all my cousins laughed, went inside said hi to my grandpa went back outside to spend time with my family. He didn't talk to me the rest of the time nor did he talk to my daughter either. The pyscho christians never showed, they feel that it is more important to be with their church family than their aging grandfather. Hey that was good for me...no complaints here

It ended up being a great afternoon. That is the first time in I don't know how long that I actually enjoyed being there when everyone else is there. One of my Tia's, instead of hiding her candies, she just threw them at the kids as they looked for the other candies. It was great to see the kids bent over to pick up an egg and then get clocked in the head with a mini snickers....LMAO!!!

BTW...your probably wondering what the hell my title of this blog has to do with this post. Well it doesnt, when I was thinking of a title, George Castanza popped into my head. Blessings all

Do Witchdoctors really exsist?

So, I have been with my wonderful husband for almost 4 years now. In these 4 years, I have heard about his experiences in being a pipe carrier and living on the reservation. I have heard stories, from how to survive a snake bite to how crystals work. But except for some different stories about my grandmother and her folk remedies, I have never actually experienced anything.

Today, Joe and I were out early this morning dropping our client off at work. Joe saw this building that he wanted to check out so we stopped. We got out and walked around the building. I was wearing flip flops because I did not think that I would be getting out of the car. As I came around the back, I had to jump over this chin high bush but I didnt quite make it. My foot landed in the leaves and began to sting.

Holy fuck did it sting. I limped back to the car and looked at my foot. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with it but it fuckin hurt. I said to Joe "I don't know what I just stepped in, but that shit hurt." Joe turned to the infamous leaves a said "Oh that stinging Nettle" Well that fuckin explains it. while I sat there rubbing my foot, I remembered something that Joe had told me a long time ago. He said something about a plant that had "stinging powers" I remember that story because there was some thing kool about that plant, it had an antidote.

I said to Joe, "Isn't there like a plant near by that makes the pain go away?" Joe walked away for like 20 seconds and was back. He had a green leaf in his hand. He asked me to lift up my foot and he began to rub that leaf all over. By that time, there were a bunch of bumps all over the top of my foot. It looked like I had been attacked by a bunch of ants. As he continued to rub, my foot was turning green from the leaf, but it was starting to feel better. Then Joe says to me, "if I spit on it, the enzymes from my spit will help it to work faster?" Without thinking I said "Um yeah, if it will help the pain to go away." Joe proceeded to spit on my foot and rub it into the leaf rubbings....lol. I swear not more than a minute had past and I can feel the pain fade. not more than hour past and the pain was gone. The bumps took longer to fade, but as I write this, they are completely gone.

I have a ring that is a triple moon with an Amethyst for the stone. I never take it off. One day, I noticed that under were the stone sits, my finger was beginning to itch. Then it would turn red and become raw, so raw that I would have to take it off for a day or two so that it can heal. I would put it right back on and with in minutes, it started up again. I asked different people if they knew what could be causing it, but no one did. We went to the local lapidary and lady thought it was because I wear the ring on my power hand. That the stone could only absorb so much. So I took it off completely and gave it to Joe so that he could cleanse it for me.

He started at the Full moon, drained it every day during the wanning. At the New moon, he charged it every day of the waxing. By the next full moon, he gave me back the ring. Now you have to understand, its not that I didn't think that any of this stuff was real, but since I had never really experienced it for myself, I didn't know what to expect. I took the ring and put back on the same finger I had it on before. Waiting........waiting.....is it going to eat my finger again?

A few hours went by and nothing. its been 2 months now and the ring is still on my finger. Maybe there is something to this, maybe there is so much more for me to learn. Maybe there is such a person called a Witchdoctor, and I think I am married to him.

I never did like the taste of foot in my mouth

So I have this cousin named Joanna. She is about 10 years younger than me, but we have always been best friends. When I was going through my divorce, she would spend the weekends at my apartment while I went out and just kept me company.

She met this guy online named Seamus. He is from Ireland and a really really nice guy. Everyone thought that Joanna was crazy to be seeing someone from so far away, but they hadnt actually met yet. Until one day, he came all the way out here. He stayed for 3 weeks. He went home and then came back4 months later. But it was a surprise. Joanna didnt know that he was coming back but he came so that she should could go to her high school prom since she said that she wouldnt go unless it was with him. He stayed long enough to watch her graduate from high school and then a week after graduation, they got married. He has been here ever since.

Well since Seamus is from Ireland, he got permission to come out here but he stayed too long and his visa expired. So of course, he hasnt been able to get any work. And of course, being from Ireland, Seamus is a drinker. In the last 5 years, I havent seen anyone drink as much as he does. But when it comes to work, I never saw him turn down a "cash" paying job. He really is a good guy.

Well yesterday, my cousin Joanna calls me crying. "Claudia, I left him, I just cant take it anymore." she said that Seamus is still drinking and that they have not lived together in the last 4 months. "Holy fuck, I'm so sorry Joanna" Then she preceeds to tell me how her family is not backing her up and calling her an adulture. Now why would they say such a thing? she said that she has a friend, but thats all it is, just friends. Well, I have no reason not to believe her.

Now you have to understand that her family is the family that I have written about in other posts that they are talking shit about me. The crazy christian family that say that I worship the devil. So then Joanna calls me back today crying her eyes out. Saying how hard this decision was and again her family is giving her a hard time, but this time tells me that she is seeing this guy and has cheated on Seamus but only because he has not been with her in 4 months. How long was she supposed to wait? Again continues to tell me that her family is turning there back on her, especially her sister Podi, and that she is not allowed to be in the house alone, and the she is a disgrace to the family, and natually I believe her.

So after I get off the phone with her, I so fucking pissed. How can these "good christians" turn away from their own blood. Even is she did cheat on her husband, she is still family. That is between Joanna and Seamus. My problelm with her sister is that she is always acting holier than thou and she is the first to point her finger and judge. When she herself started going out with her boyfriend when she was 21, he was 16...hmmm???

So I send Podi a text that says that I hope that she is never in her sisters shoes and I hope that she doesn't have a sister that turns her back on her like you did to Joanna. Well of course she tells me off and then I come back with more hateful words.

Her brother then calls me to tell me that I dont know the whole story. So then he starts to tell me that they have tried to talk to Joanna and she turn her back on them. That of course they don't like it that she is going out with this other guy, but that they don't think that she is in her right mind to be with someone else. That she needs to be with family and she needs to go to church. I'm listening to him, I even tried to argue her side, but what he said made sense.

I asked him why they wouldnt let her be in the house alone, he said that she was stealing things. It just didn't sound like the Joanna I knew, but at that point I knew, that I shouldn't have gone off on Podi like that. I tried to send her an apology but I really didn't mean it. It was mostly because I meant what I said, but I should have kept it to myself.

So I'm thinkin and thinkin, and I just cant let it go. So I send Joanna a text. "cuz you need to tell me the truth....are you still drinking and smoking weed?" and few minutes later "yes" "Ok, so answer another question and remember I love you and I'm here for you, but are you telling me the truth about your family? are they really turning their back on you like you say they are?" Nothing. I send it again. then I get, "well not exactly, They are trying to get me to go to church with them." "so then you were not telling me the whole truth?" "well I tried but you never gave me the chance" "bullshit Joanna, you were never gonna tell me the truth, and I just told off your sister for something that she didn't do"

I told her that it was bullshit what she did, and that as long as she is drinking and smoking, she was not allowed to come to my house either. I told her that if she is drinking and blazing, how is she any different that him. I haven't heard from her since.

I cant believe that she fooled me. I cant believe that I believed her. I text Podi and apologized for reals and this time, I was in tears. I told her how I was sorry that I said hateful things, to please forgive me. She did, but I still feel like shit.

When Joe was driving home from the prison today, I told him what happened and how stupid I felt. He said that this will pass and to give it a few days and maybe invite her to lunch or coffee. I will but until I get that hug from her, I wont know for sure that she really did forgive me.

At this point, I hope that Seamus is smart enough to just go back home. He hasn't seen his family in 5 years and I know his mom is missing him. She has suffered two minor strokes since he's been gone,but there is nothing for him here. He has no papers, so he cant work and no family so where is he going to stay. It really sucks cuz Seamus is family. But I think that the best thing for everyone is for Seamus to go home. but the running joke in our family is that we are a huge Mexican family and the one illegal is the white guy....LMAO

The Birds, the Bees, and the Papa Goddess

So with all the Prop 8 stuff going on right now, (I know its like beating a dead horse) one of the main topics is, that people are afraid that they will be teaching our kids about it in school.

I keep telling the people that use that argument that it's not true and against the law. They cant even teach my kids about puberty without my permission, so why would they say that they will be teaching kids about gay marriages...its so fucking stupid.

So yesterday, I get home from school and on Joe's desk, there is a yellow note from the school with my son's name on it. I pick it up and it is says that they will be starting sex education for 5th and 6th graders soon and they need my permission for my son to participate in this class. I personally don't have a problem with the school teaching my kids about this stuff. Most of what they will be learning is something that they have already heard from me. This class just gets a little bit more technical. And of course it says nothing on the paper of talks of marriage, gay or otherwise.

Well for those of you that don't know my son, he is 11yrs old and a great kid. But he was born with a delay. About 2 years. I had to put him in speech therapy and he is in the special ed class at his school. He is caught up with his math and science skills, but he is way behind in his reading. I just had a conference with his teacher on Monday and he said that his reading is the only thing holding him back, but that he is getting better. But, because of my son's delay, there are a lot of "talks" that I haven't had with him. Mostly because I wasn't sure if he would understand but the majority is because he is my baby and I am not ready for him to grow up.

So what do I do? Not sign the paper and keep him innocent or sign the paper and he grows up? I dont like it either way. So I call him into my room and I asked him if he knew what that paper was for and he said yes. But I never had that talk with him about sex, so I didnt know what he knew. So I ask him, "baby, do you know what sex is?" and he says "yes" so then I ask, "ok what is it?" and he says "its when 2 people are naked in bed together." "yes but do you know what they are doing" and he says "no"......AH FUCK I GOTTA HAVE THE SEX TALK!!!!

So now my dilemma is, with or without pics....lol. (of the female body parts) But my wonderful husband Joe, had a brilliant idea. He pulled out the blade and the chalice and he explained to him that the blade represented a man and a chalice for a woman (in case you didn't know) and then explained what goes on during that time. we explained the sperm and the egg and how sex makes babies and all that fun stuff. And what does my son do....he starts laughing. it was great. So now when he takes this class, he's not going to be the only one in class who doesn't know what sex is. But now he gets all the Family Guy jokes.

Once he left the room, I looked over at Joe and said "These talks are getting easier, but this one was hard." cuz like I said before, he is my baby and I hate seeing him so big. He still likes to cuddle with me when we're watching tv, and he always gives me kisses and he isnt afraid to do it in front of his friends.

I know that I did the right thing and I dont regret giving Tavo the "talk" and I am so greatful to Joe for having such an amazing way to explain something that can be so hard to understand for young kids. Damn fuckin kids need to stop growing up so damn fuckin fast.